Put Your Finger In My Sandwich

It has recently come to my attention that John is anatomically different from most people. With what he calls "chicky fingers," he lives among the rest of us with natural fingers of flesh, bone, muscle, sinew, and tendons. Now, I can only assume that these "chicky fingers" operate in a similar manner to regular fingers, with opposable thumbs and all, but I also wonder what evolutionary purpose has caused this strange, dare I say disfigurement, of John's fingers.

The most logical cause, submitted by a team of esteemed scientists, is a conspiracy on the part of napkin manufacturers. John is in constant need of napkins because his fingers are always greasy. Have you ever seen how many napkins he keeps in his closet? There are many, many, perhaps several hundred, packages of napkins in there. I've contacted numerous celebrity personalities since John came clean about his anatomical anomality in hopes that one would be so generous as to form a foundation: "Napkins for John."

While all this may seem pretty dismal, John has kept an upbeat attitude. He says if he ever gets hungry, he can always eat a finger. But bear in mind, John, so can we. Forks! Knives! Bibs! and Dinner at John's!