The Origin of John

It was a century and a half ago that John Post was first found. Some miners were digging deep in the hills of Ireland, when they came across a remarkable specimen. As they chipped away by lamplight, when one of them thought they saw an iron finger be pulled back into the Earth. One said to the others, "Let's leave Aaron, let's leave," but Aaron said, "Did ye see the ring on that finger?" and they dug and dug. Chinking away at the earthen rock, the began uncovering the silver form of a body.

They worked past their quitting time, for in the dark of a mine time has no real measure. They had unearthed nearly all the body, excepting the head, when Aaron took up his pick ax to do so, "we'll make a pretty penny, yes we will." His pick ax rang down once upon the head of that earthen being when a grumbling came deep from within. "WHERE IS THE NEAREST TACO BELL?!!" the voice demanded.

The two miners were struck silent with temerity. The rocks around the earthen beings head started cracking and falling away, revealing a face of pure iron, with eyes of coal. "I said, WHERE IS THE NEAREST TACO BELL?!!!!" At the thundering of this voice, the cavern started collapsing in on the two miners. Two days later, the two miners were pulled up from the rubble, but a third empty hollow was found around what looked like space for a body. No one heard from this Iron Man again for half a century.

Half a century later in Westchester, reprobates genially termed "rapscallions" were out in the street up to smarts and dashes when they saw the most unusually cut figure headed their way. As the figure came clearer and clearer they noticed a strange tint to this man's complexion. They asked, "Sir, could you spare us a dime? We'd like a lot to eat tonight..."

The figure asked gently, "Could you please direct me to the nearest Taco Bell?" The boys looked at him frightfully, "Sir, we don't know what you're talkin' about." The figure frowned, "I have been asleep for thousands of years, and all I want is a damn beef taco... I have the right mind to..." and the figure raised his heavy fist high into the air. One of the boys whimpered and said, "Sir, sir, please, that's me young brother, take this crust of bread, for your hunger is stronger than we." The enormous figure looked at his fist in the air, and then down to the rapscallions, and gently dropped his fist to his sides. And the figure spake, "My name is John Post."

Not much has been known about the man made of iron since then. There are many tales of his story. Some say he wanders the Earth going to Taco Bells, delighted in the fact that they opened in his seemingly limitless lifetime. Others say that he burrowed deep in the ground again to wait for the grand opening of Taco Bell, but overslept and will show his fury to humanity for his own oversight.

Still, others say, and any wise historian would be apt to believe this tale, that John, once he felt sympathy for the rapscallions, rebuilt himself into a human form. He cast skin over his body of Iron to feel what humans feel. These feelings are superficial, and John still has a coutenance made of Iron, with a weakness for Beef Tacos, but he is trying to assimilate and understand human beings, for he has seen true compassion and fear....

This much can be certain: The man of iron, John Post, wanders this Earth looking for Taco Bells with which to satisfy his limitless hunger.